By CASEY CANNON

Hello and Welcome to the Soccer by Ives Fantasy Corner – now with even more German Heritage! Every week I dig through statistics, news, and rumors to provide the reader with the kind of fantasy advice that only a dedicated German fitness fanatic can provide.

This week, Ives recruited Jürgen Kanone to compete with me for the opportunity to write the fantasy soccer article. Ives tells me Hans writes for the very technical Fußball by Ivo covering the very technical Bundesliga 2 Fantasy Fußball. Ives also tells me we will both have an equal opportunity to write this week. With that said let me introduce Jürgen Kaone.

Danke Kacey. We must offer congratulations as high as das Alps to last weeks SBI winners Ruby Valey Rovers and the aptly named Soccer, both with 81 points. FC Acorns has the overall SBI league lead with 232 points. Of course even your sad American writer Kacey earned more points than the puny Ives this week.

Make sure to check Das injury and international lists for players who will be out. Some have serious injuries. Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretti nasti… Also Many of das MLS players will be out this week, but only with CONCACAF teams. Wit that said let us review the upcoming matchups.

TEAM PICKS

Take Three – Das Montreal Impact. Home of the über-rock band Men With Out Hats. I spent many an evening in das Disco dancing to die Männer mit sich Hüte. The surprising Impact play on home plastic against a team that avoids turf like a vegan avoids Das Schnitzel Fest. I can’t see how this Red Bulls team can win without Henry, Cahill and Miller.

Take Three – Seattle Sounders. Ahh, I have heard all about the new American grünge music from this hamlet. Das Sounders will not have any forwards to play in San Jose this week; however, their defense in largely intact. My Cousin Sigi will have them preform well against the San Jose reserve team. Now to gain experience I turn the column over to American Casey Cannon to tell you which team to avoid this week.

Avoid – Real Salt Lake. Which of the available players will you want on your team next week?

Danke Casey, das ist enough. Now for the individual picks.

INDIVIDUAL PICKS

Captain – Hassoun Camara, Montreal. Ja, there are a lot of players off this week. Mr Camara is top ten in points per game this Jung season. Playing against gelded Red Bulls this young man without a hat ist a S-A-F-E-T-Y pick.

Value – Jose Goncalves, New England Revolution. Owned by a paltry 1.2% of the league this new England defender plays his next two matches at home. He costs a flat 5.5M und I predict his value will increase shortly. I admit I am surprised an entire American futball team ist named after the backup band for uber sexy Prince.

Overpriced – Will Bruin, Houston Dynamo. Last season Das Bruin had a strong finish. So far this year he ist averaging 1 point ein game. Our German austerity measures will not allow any team to pay 8.7M for a paltry point a game. 10% of players still have him on die squad.

Special note – Bill Hamid. The DC keeper ist top of das spreadsheet for points per game und Value. But like Hungry Hans and das chocolate factory the goals for und goals against point to Columbus sneaking off wit a goal & those delicious shut out points. Then in week five DC has a bye. Don’t be like Hungry Hans; resist the temptation this week.

The Three Player Monte

The three card Monte game has two elements selecting three players to score goals and creating a streak of picking captain who scores every week. I just want to point out that this week ist challenging. These are my picks but I’m not sold on them.

1. Captain: Higuain, Crew.
2. Bieler, SKC;
3. Findley, RSL (Ok, this was a wild guess.)

Tiebreak: 20

Und now I will allow Casey to finish this post with some information about the “American” USMNT.

USMNT Note

40. Only 40 people signed the petition to Expedite the Emergency Citizenship of Federico Higuain.

That’s ok. I won’t rant and rave too much on this. Just let me suggest this is a player who can take control of a team on the pitch and make even the most incompetent manager look good.

Just remember to show your friends the link Friday night, midway through the second half. About the time we all wonder what the heck is wrong with our team.

Click here to sign the petition to make Higuaín a Citizen of the United States.

That’s all for today. Come back next time for more MLS fantasy notes.

Performance last weekend:

Semesters of GPA crushing college German – 4
Petitions gone viral – 0
Number of times college German has ever been useful: 1