Admit it, when you first heard Alexi Lalas use the term Sexy Football to describe what the Los Angeles Galaxy would play like, you laughed out loud. After all, there’s positively nothing sexy about watching Alan Gordon try to control a soccer ball.
What we probably didn’t consider about the statement was that Lalas may have been referring to his internationally recognized defender Abel Xavier. He of the flashy clothes and outrageous hairstyles. It is tough to argue that Xavier just might be the sexiest traffic cone in the history of soccer.
Don’t believe me? Well, check out this week’s installment of You Write the Caption, which features a photo unearthed by my boy SF at The Offside Rules:
"Abel, no referee could ever give a red card to someone looking this fierce."
Okay, you know the routine. Share your own caption suggestions in the comments section below and I will choose the Top 10, including the No. 1 caption, which will earn the author a free t-shirt courtesy of Objectivo Apparel.
Fire away (and please try to keep the captions clean).
“Giuseppe Franco, eat your heart out!”
Inspired by the success of Guissipe Franco and Sy Sterling, Abel Xavier is hired to be the spokesman for Canandian pelt trader / hair loss clinic, Hair Clubbed for Men.
“Party in the back…and in the front.”
The Beckham Effect: due to David Beckham’s abnormally large wage, other members of the Galaxy are forced to supplement their modest incomes–Abel Xavier, pictured above, recently signed a $53,000-per-year contract as spokesperson for the struggling Cabbage Patch Kids Corp.
“No, I said curly! It still looks too straight.”
I’ll have the 1998 Justin Timberlake special!
The Galaxy continue the search for a replacement for their biggest offseason loss… …Cobi Jones’ hair.
Nice work Vanney, but lose the mustache.
You see Twellman, this is how you get ladies in a hot tub.
“Make sure the back looks good, that’s what people see on TV while I chase forward’s from behind”
Maybe now Beckham will notice me…..
Napolean Dynamite plays soccer?
“See Landon, no bald spot…..”
I was looking for a Madonna “Like a Virgin” ‘do and you gave me a Hillary Clinton! Fix it!
Trust me, Abel, when those attackers spin you around, the back of your head is going to look fierce on HDTV!
…this week on ‘Queer Eye for the Completely Incompetent Defender’…
“Trust me Abel, I cut my poodles hair too, there are no dingleberries left back here.”
This is fierce! No, wait, this is hot mass! No, this is fierce!…
“Now I will be the envy of all MLS transvestites.”
No, I want the Valderrama look. Go longer… hair extensions.
“Our reporters were able to get a photo inside the Galaxy locker room.”
Ladies, please avert your eyes, because I have been known to hypnotize!
After getting burned early and often this year, Abel Xavier makes sure the back of his head looks good for his opponents as they run by him.
Nope; I still don’t look gay enough.
Nope; I still doesn’t look gay enough.
I’m Rick James!
Abel Xavier confirms not all mirrors break in his presence.
I need more juice, my jerry curl’s going dry back here!
Action shot: Galaxy defender Abel Xavier playing hard against Houston on 4/19.
Perfect! It looks just like a yellow card. You sure we shouldn’t go red?
Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it’s usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like Becks and Landon. I mean, it’s not just the Galaxy uniform. It’s the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination.
Landon, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it.
The moment Abel Xavier realizes there might be some adverse side affects from Anabolic steroids.
Brigitte Nielsen tells of secret affair with Eazy-E–love child pictured above.
“With everyone’s eyes on my hair, no one will notice my feet”
“Can you do the same thing to my eyebrows?”
“I said frosted TIPS, this just looks ridiculous”
My hairs’ to sexy for this shirt(LA GALAXY)…
With Landon and Becks on your team, you’ve got to always be watching your backside.
“Is it supposed to look like someone dumped a bowl of spaghetti on my head?”
SBI brings you a sneak peek at Abel Xavier’s new look, “Magnum”.
Yes, Abel, your hair is equally ugly in the back.
“Sisqo, Rodman and now Xavier have tried it, so should you. I’m Guiseppi Franco and I know nothing about this company.”
“Very sexy, but do I have to keep the chinstrap?”
This hair is un-be-weave-able!!!
“David may get the screaming ten year old girls but I got the hair.”
This wig is just to small. I need the Valderrama wig.
“If Beckham no love me now, he no love me ever.”
We now go behind the scenes as prepartions conclude for the new Just For Men commercial.
Abel Xavier getting ready for his first acting job playing the “Groomed Ape” in
Planet of the Apes: Hollywood Style.
I don’t know if I can get the carpet to match the drapes…