By CASEY CANNON
Hello and Welcome to the Soccer by Ives Fantasy Corner – now in new spring colors! Every week I dig through statistics, news, and rumors to provide the reader with the kind of fantasy advice that only a tax expert can provide.
This week we have we have a player leaving for a while and a player returning. Most fans know Kevin Alston is taking time to get healthy. Like everyone I wish him a quick return to health and the pitch. Inspired by Alston’s fortitude I will challenge myself to not say anything snarky about New England today.
Back to health and returning to the field is the amazing skill of the best player in Major League Soccer: Steven Leinhart. Between his Golden Afro, the way the crowds identify the player with the Golden Afro, and the media’s desire to crawl into and live inside the Golden Afro, Steven Lenhart’s Afro may be the greatest player to ever grace a pitch. In addition to the glorious Afro Leinhart’s knee is feeling good but more importantly his elbows are ready. This adorable Goonie tried to change his hair color during the off season but, of course, couldn’t say dye.
Gratz to this weeks SBI winner SGV Galaxy with 72 points. Submersiblegoat still sits atop the SBI league with 422 points. Like me and many other players the Ugoat was hit by the triple whammy of Higuain, Earnshaw and Zusi earning just a combined eight points. Hopefully this week we can avoid those bad beats by following the advice below.
Now on to this week’s Fantasy MLS recommendations:
Take Three – Montreal. I expect Montreal to score one maybe even two goals. Their opponent Columbus will be hard pressed to score a single goal against the vaunted French-Canadian defense. With Higuain carrying a knock this is an easy choice.
Take Three – Houston. The Dynamo is playing at home against the Fire. The boys in orange should score two goals and earn a shutout. I don’t know who is playing forward for Houston this week but that guy will be on the winning team.
Avoid – Chicago. They managed to win last week? Really? Well Bless their Hearts. Now off they go to Houston. So long as they try hard and have fun playing the game I’m proud.
Captain – Brad Davis, Houston. As I mentioned above the matchup against Chicago is favorable. If Houston finds two goals I expect Davis will assist on at least one; however, this really isn’t the top pick for Captain. The Captain choice depends on how you believe LA Galaxy will do in Texas. If you believe that LA is coiled and ready to strike like a rattlesnake in Dallas than Gonzlaes or Magee are better choices. For those that believe that LA will come out flat like a roadside armadillo, Jackson or Michel are the appropriate choices. I am risk adverse so I am recommending Davis and his 6.2 points per game.
Value – Ouimette, Montreal. He costs 3.9 and plays for a stingy Impact Defense. This Impactful player is only held by 2.3% of the league. He looks to be the starter as long as Nesta is hurt. So pretty much the rest of the season, oui?
Overpriced – Darlington Nagbe , Portland. Whenever I watch him play I think about putting him on my Fantasy squad because this guy is gonna break out for a billion points any second now. I have been thinking that for a couple seasons. 46th among midfileders and 127th overall his 3.8 points per game just isn’t good enough. Like Joey Timber without his chainsaw: Nagbe just doesn’t cut it.
THE THREE PLAYER MONTE
The three player Monte game has two elements selecting three players to score goals and creating a streak of picking a captain who scores every week. The players can be awful, tossed out of the game for reprehensible fouls, and single handedly responsible for costing his team the game. Like being the CEO of a finance firm the only thing that matters is scoring goals making goals.
1. Captain: Ryan Johnson, Portland
2. Giles Barnes, Houston (Somebody from Houston is going to score. Barnes is the only Houston player this season to score two goals.)
3. Di Vaio, Montreal.
That’s all for today. Come back next time for more MLS fantasy notes.
Performance last week:
Number of times I accidently watched Kill Bill – 2
Hours spent annoyed with my taxes – 12
Snarky things about the Revolution withheld – 6
Thanks guys. I *try* to be amusing. Writing only about PPG and such can be pretty dry.
Stop trying to be funny, you’re not good at it.
Stop trying to be a downer, you’re excellent at it. I think his writing is pretty clever.
I enjoy it. You do have the option of not reading it, however.
I like his fantasy advice, he really knows what he is talking about, so I read it all the time. However, I think his comedic attempts fell a little short in this article.
Timber Joey, not Joey Timber.
Also, Magee and Agudelo are both “questionable,” I’ve already made my 2 transfers and my bench has two SKC players. This week could get REAL ugly for me.